At a certain point in my life, it occurred to me that I had a tendency to attract "complicated" (i.e., neurotic) friends with lots of "problems." I've been told a number of times that friends feel comfortable telling me intimate details of their lives because I'm nonjudgmental and they feel they can trust me to be discreet. I'm an attentive and empathetic listener, and I do my best to offer objective and useful insights. Presumably these relationships were therapeutic for the friends, and I derived some sort of stimulation out of them, and perhaps a false feeling of being wise and stable.
Likely these embroilments also served as a distraction from working on my own "stuff," and particularly, my depression. My self-esteem was such that I didn't really feel that what was going on in my life was that important, anyway.
I clung to some of these friendships out of vanity also, because I felt less attractive, less plugged-in socially, less affluent (two of them had trust funds and didn't work), so that I believed that being seen out and about with these people lifted my social standing.
At the same time, I also began to realize that these friendships were quite emotionally draining for me, and I began to resent the fact that they were so one-sided. I always had my own "problems," but no one seemed interested in hearing about them. There were cursory attempts on the part of friends to inquire about my state of mind - no one could accuse them of impoliteness. But it always seemed to take an enormous effort on the other's part to halt the stream of suffering long enough to give some attention to my little trickle of feelings.
Essentially I was acting as an unpaid and exceedingly sympathetic talk therapist, with only one or two clients, on-call 24 hours a day.
So it took a great deal of courage on my part to say, as it were: ENOUGH! STOP THE MADNESS! Since I'm a writer I did it in writing. Below are two real examples which you may use as templates if you find yourself in a similar situation. Keep in mind, however, that in both cases it converted the relationshits [sic] from "intimate friends" to "forced-smile passing acquaintances."
Letter No. 1
You know, I'm not sure how to tell you this without offending you, but it seems like almost all of our conversations lately consist of your kvetching about how horrible your life is or your obsessing about the latest guy who is apparently not interested in you. It's like a recurring script, and I guess you're simply not aware of it; otherwise, you would realize how incredibly boring and repetitive it can get. It's getting to the point where I don't want to take your calls. It makes me want to complain as well, and I just don't want to be like that, I don't want or need to hear it. It is neither enjoyable nor constructive. If you really need to unload that sort of thing, I'm sure you can find others who are more than willing to listen. I mean that, I'm not trying to be flippant.
The conversations I like best are when we laugh about something or talk about how strange people are or talk about artistic or intellectual things. One of the things I like about you is that I feel you are a genuinely goodhearted, generous and intelligent person and those are few and far between. But there is an undercurrent of negativity and obsessiveness that can be very offputting.
I was torn between trying to communicate this to you and thereby risk offending you, or simply phasing you out as a friend without giving any reason. I hope you understand the fact that I'm trying to communicate means that I do care and would like to salvage the friendship.
Letter No. 2
Dear T-----,
In writing this, I don’t want to beat you up or kick you when you’re down, but I have to point out to you that I found it insulting that you would flag me down in the supermarket in order to unload your personal problems, after having ignored my phone calls over a three month period. As much as I like you, I’m afraid I have too much pride to overlook that kind of abuse.
In the past when I was experiencing deep emotional pain and depression, I sought out a therapist, and found it to be very helpful. You scoff at that idea, and yet what you don’t seem to realize is that it is draining, and eventually tiresome and abusive, to be continually on the receiving end of that. That’s one of the reasons people get paid to do it. It strikes me as arrogant to think that there is no professional around smart enough or sympathetic enough to be able to understand and help you. In any case, at this point I would no longer feel comfortable providing that service to you.
I think it would be better if we waited a while till both of us are in a better frame of mind before trying to resume our friendship. (Assuming you still want to – I know you have your pride, too.) Whatever happens, I do wish you well with all my heart, and you may rest easy that I have never and will never say a word against you to anyone; nor will I betray any of your past confidences.
L
